Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Nose
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy