I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Fries, not lies.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical