*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
had to make it
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
that de-escalated quickly
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.