A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*