Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow