If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Monday Lisa
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag