@bestestname

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

@bestestname

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

@bestestname

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

@bestestname

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

@bestestname

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

@bestestname

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

@bestestname

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

@bestestname

As a kid, they teach you phonics, but then make you sit next to a kid named Sean.