It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
As a kid, they teach you phonics, but then make you sit next to a kid named Sean.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.