Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it