20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
WTF
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.