Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I think they could have phrased this better
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Oh deer
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault