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@better_off_dad : I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
@better_off_dad: Sure sex is great, but have you ever had the house to yourself?
@better_off_dad: Life is:
•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills
@better_off_dad: 'You probably need to pee soon, huh?'
~The monster under my bed
@better_off_dad: Teenagers are just human karma.
@better_off_dad: Meditation is just the gateway drug to flat out ignoring people.
@better_off_dad: Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
@better_off_dad: 14: ‘What's an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
@better_off_dad: I swear it's like nobody who says 'bite me' actually means it anymore.
@better_off_dad: All you need is love.
and health insurance.