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Page of better_off_dad's best tweets

@better_off_dad : I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

@better_off_dad: Sure sex is great, but have you ever had the house to yourself?

@better_off_dad: Life is:

•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills

@better_off_dad: 'You probably need to pee soon, huh?'

~The monster under my bed

@better_off_dad: Meditation is just the gateway drug to flat out ignoring people.

@better_off_dad: Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

@better_off_dad: 14: ‘What's an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

@better_off_dad: I swear it's like nobody who says 'bite me' actually means it anymore.

@better_off_dad: All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.