FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Is your wife single?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy