the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Why is this me 😫
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*