5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
You Might Also Like
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Labreador
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.