@better_off_dad2

My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@better_off_dad2

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

@better_off_dad2

Life is:

•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills

@better_off_dad2

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

@better_off_dad2

*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’