NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad