Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Erm I’m gonna say no
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I have written yet another poem about laundry
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house