All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.