Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
my dad has had enough
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story