“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
You Might Also Like
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.