Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You Might Also Like
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.