What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer