*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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A customer told me they were never coming back….
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.