I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
$4 #usedbooks
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
incredible
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes