“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Woke up against my better judgment again
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy