MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible