#inspiration #foodforthought
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.