@bigmacher

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

@bigmacher

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

@bigmacher

#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!

@bigmacher

Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.

#IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio

@bigmacher

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

@bigmacher

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

@bigmacher

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

@bigmacher

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

@bigmacher

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

@bigmacher

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.