Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
there’s probably a fee though
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.