Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My therapist after every session
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school