I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.