If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.