@bingowings14

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

@bingowings14

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

@bingowings14

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

@bingowings14

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

@bingowings14

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@bingowings14

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.