What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL