Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?