Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound