I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house