i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.