Had a spot of bother earlier.
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body