If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Meow
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
That’s incredible! 👌
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Cheer up.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s