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My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
britain’s three elite institutions
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”