Meeeee too!
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*