If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?