Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of blade_funner's best tweets

@blade_funner : Salad in a bag. What's next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

@blade_funner: DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

@blade_funner: ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that... pudding?

@blade_funner: {the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

@blade_funner: My washer broke so if anybody needs me I'll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@blade_funner: The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

@blade_funner: [infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

@blade_funner: [GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I'm in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?