@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@blade_funner

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

@blade_funner

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

@blade_funner

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

@blade_funner

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

@blade_funner

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

@blade_funner

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?