[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?