@blade_funner

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

@blade_funner

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

@blade_funner

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

@blade_funner

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

@blade_funner

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

@blade_funner

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.