The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.