A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.