The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.