Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.