We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Sorry. Not sorry
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips