I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?