Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Bruh PLEASE
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”