Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me